"Mind and body were in conflict and mind was losing, hard."

Hey guys. Apologies for going AWOL on you. It has been a hectic time. But I'm back now. So, I’ve had a number of you guys saying I short-changed you, left you hanging and asking me what happened after and how I'm doing now. There is so much to tell about this journey that I am on and have been on for a while. That being said, this story is a whole book and that was just a chapter, I guess. I bet you’re wondering what happened after the 2 weeks that completely changed my life. Well, a lot actually. Everything played out like I was living somebody else’s life, but it was mine. Everything changed..or it did for a while. So here’s a list of things that changes when you have such a life altering moment. Relationships- Whatever the relationship, be it friends, family or lover, they will change either for the best or worst. Like I said before, I had just got out of a relationship, but he was there for me. Despite our disagreements, he was there(bless him). But we don’t talk much now. Its life. He’s an ex and we're just in different spaces right now, it happens. My friends were amazing and some not so much. To them, I wasn't the old Sdumi they knew, something had changed. Of course something had changed but I was still me. Still am. Granted, I can't do most of the stuff I used to do but hey.. deal with it, I'm living it. Most of my mates are out of the city or country but they were amazing. They’d call my mum to check on me when I couldn't get to the phone. They would text, and those who were around visited but they didn’t have that look in their eye( you know, the pity look), that was good.

Family (extended) is like a huge box of assorted biscuits, the kind your mum will buy specifically for the holidays. Yeah, that one. Some are yummy, some are okay, then there's those that you just don't even attempt to try. Mixed reviews. Some came through in a way I didn't expect and still do even today. Then there's those who are just there. You're relatives when you meet at a family function, other that, you're complete strangers. It happens and I don't hold anything against them.

Diet-Obviously, this would change but I Just wasn't ready for the changes... it was too much and all at once. I remember one time last year, I actually broke down because I was so frustrated with the diet changes and I couldn't keep up. I felt like I couldn't eat anything and if I did I’d be committing a crime. A certain nurse actually too the time to comfort me and we talked about it, but I kept saying to myself, “ well, you can still have all this stuff but I can't... it's not FAIR!” The diet, in my opinion is bland. There is only so much you can do with the little you can eat. Protein-rich foods are off limits. A matchbox-sized piece of beef a week really isn't for me , so I just cut of beef completely you can only take so much fluid per day. Certain types of fluid too. Water, yes. CLEAR juices such as apple, grape and cranberry, yes. Milk, limited. Tea, certain types. Coffee, hard NO, alcohol , OBVIOUSLY NOT. The list goes on. Catch my drift? The diet basically needs one to be creative with their food. Eating out has become almost non-existent because its the forbidden fruit really. You don't know how the food is prepared the high sodium content as well is unattractive to a renal patient. But then of course, there's days when a girl has to satisfy her cravings. I make sure to do that the day /night before dialysis. The machine will chuck out all the dirt the following day.

State of mind-This does come into question. When you take such a physical beating, your mental state is affected. And its up to you to take care of both. If and when you do not deal with it seek help or talk to someone, it will eat you up and you end up heading down a self- destruction path. And boy did I just run-down this path. Yeah, for the first few months I was fine, then reality began to sink in, I went into full mode depression. It hit hard. Here I was, relearning to pace myself.

My mind didn't want to accept or comprehend that my body couldn't do that which it used to do at the pace it was used to. Mind and body were in conflict and mind was losing, hard. I knew that if I didn't do something soon, both mind and body would cease to exist. Like I said, I had a powerful support system (still do). I had fierce women in my corner who showed me that I wasn't done living. They were right.

Recently, I met a lady who was at the unit for her session and we got to talking. She asked my age, I told her and she had that pity party look going on and I said to myself,” oh no! Here we go again.” I resisted to urge to roll my eyes at her but she surprised me. Her comeback was everything! She said to me,”You're still young my baby. Don't let anyone tell you you can't do anything because you're on dialysis. You should get married and have a family. Don't rule it out.” I smiled but inner me was doing somersaults. It was the one thing that I had never spoken about to anyone yet she addressed it with that statement and I knew it was done. Like I said earlier, relationships are harder because they'll always be that elephant in the room which is only visible to one person (not me).

The list continues....

P.S a little inspiration